Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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