It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
