you traded sex for a burrito?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
