Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
