____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
