How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
