you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
