i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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