We named our party play list daddy issues
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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