I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize