I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
