I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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