just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
