And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This baby is an asshole
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
