My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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