I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
