god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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