remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
3 2 1 whiskey
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
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