I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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