You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
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