I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
