no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
