I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
