People in love make me want to vomit
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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