In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
