Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
