I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
