This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
