I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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