How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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