Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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