I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
