what if every blade of grass was a penis?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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