so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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