1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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