The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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