how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
