The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
