Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
