I accidentally had phone sex last night
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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