exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
