I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
