It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
please come you make the beer taste better
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
