that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Farmville is her only friend.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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