I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
