My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
