I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
