for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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