After last night, I could never be a politician.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
