he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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