I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
