Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
