you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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