I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
