I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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