I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Can you bring me the toilet please
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
