that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
