dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
