I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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