Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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