I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
