i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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