if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
