those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
