im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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