I will die if light touches me.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
im six kinds of drunk right now
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
