Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
