...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
