The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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