Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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