my phone needs a breathalizer
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize