I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
