My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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