my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
