that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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