you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
