you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
