im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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