Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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