Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize